Unsure

It’s been a long couple of months.

Two record-breaking heat waves in the PNW, long days at work, dealing with the VA for my knee, and now, Afghanistan.

My initial feeling about the withdrawal and subsequent Taliban takeover was numbness. It was overwhelming to the point of my needing to just block it out of my mind so I could actually function.

As the week progressed, I slowly started thinking about what was happening and how I actually felt.

Truth is, I’m still not sure how I feel.

I think about 20 years in the same country, fighting the same enemy, with more or less the same strategy and I’m frustrated it’s taken this long to get out of there.

I think about the politicians who’ve used service members and veterans as props to win elections but doing nothing to actually change the situation and I’m pissed our political system is just a money grab.

I think about the voters who put them there (myself included) and I hate they haven’t paid more attention to the things happening in Afghanistan and didn’t push said politicians to come up with a coherent strategy.

I think about the media and the lack of coverage and I miss Walter Cronkite who had the guts to cover the Vietnam War in a way that made it matter.

I think of all the commanders in Afghanistan and all the corners we’ve turned there and I’m angry they lied and put their careers over their Soldiers, Sailors, Marines, and Airmen.

I think about the people I deployed with, many of whom worked with locals to help make their country safer and I worry for their mental health and hope they are processing this whole thing better than I am.

I think about all the Afghans trying to flee their homes and I feel helpless.

I think about the six months I spent in Afghanistan, sitting behind a desk, and contributing very little to the overall fight, and I feel like I don’t have the right to an opinion, like I shouldn’t be struggling this much.

I think about all my friends who deployed for full tours, some of them multiple times and I wish they could get that time back; that they could spend that time at home with their families.

I think about Dan Reilly and Adam Keys who both lost their legs and I feel sorrow for the sacrifices they made and that they will now have a much different life than they otherwise could’ve had.

I think about John Runkle, one of the best leaders and one of the best people I’ve known; about Dimitri Del Castillo, one of the most charismatic and optimistic people I’ve ever encountered, and I’m sad. They sacrificed themselves in Afghanistan, and we are right back where we started, with the Taliban in control, Al Qaeda regrouping, and a whole lot of people angry, confused, and pointing fingers.

It’s hard not to think their deaths— and the deaths of everyone in Afghanistan over the past two decades— was somehow in vain. It can’t be, how could this country sacrifice some of its best men and woman for nothing.

And then I think about Corey Rutherford.

For the one patrol I was a part of in Afghanistan, he was my driver. I didn’t know him well but I knew him enough. He was reserved but, in the right situation, very funny with a quick wit. Everyone in the battalion knew him or, at least, knew of him and was one of the most liked in the unit.

He served 14 years with multiple deployments as a linguist and earned the rank of Staff Sergeant.

He lost his life to suicide in 2019.

His death and the death of so many service members who died AFTER they came home will not be counted in the numbers of Americans killed as a result of this war… but they should be.

And I feel everything.

———————

With anything as complicated as the War in Afghanistan, the feelings are going to be complex.

There’s no one way to feel and there’s no one way to process everything—if it’s even possible to process everything in the first place.

In the mean time, I’m trying not to place blame or point fingers. It doesn’t really seem productive at the moment.

Instead, I’m trying to figure out how to help, what things I can do moving forward to contribute in any sort of way.

I think it’s time we all be kind and empathetic towards one another and figure out where we go from here.

Keep your feet moving

Hope

I remember sitting in my room on May 2, 2011, talking to my parents during our weekly phone conversations.

I was three weeks away from graduation, three months from starting Basic Officer's Leadership Course, and three years from my first and, luckily, only deployment.

It had been a boring weekend: studying for finals, making final preparations for the summer, a few beers with friends, nothing unusual or noteworthy.

It was around 11 PM in New York, a light breeze was blowing through the halls cooling what had been a warm but not sweltering day.

My parents were talking about their flight into Newark, where they were staying in Highland Falls, which car they'd rented, and how excited they were to be at graduation. We went over when and where the commissioning ceremony was going to be, who'd be invited, what they should bring, what they should wear, all the things parents like to talk about when they're trying to hide their excitement.

As I was explaining when and where I would meet them after the ceremony was over, an email hit my inbox. I stopped mid-sentence to read it: "President to Make an Announcement on National Security Matter".

"Turn on the news," I told my parents, "the President is about to make an announcement."

I hung up the phone and listened as President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden had been killed.

A loud, continuous cheer could be heard all over campus. Videos of our celebrations hit Facebook almost instantly. A man who'd been "Enemy Number One" for almost half our lives was no longer a threat.

Naively, I thought the war in Afghanistan was over.

I assumed, with the leader of our enemies dead, we would bring everyone home, and that I'd missed my chance to contribute.

Three years later, I boarded a plane in Kuwait headed to Bagram Airfield. For six months I sat behind a desk, resourced missions, and planned the logistics for our flight back.

As our battalion left, a new one came to take our place.

Soon after, a different battalion replaced them.

The wheel kept spinning, service members kept dying, and no one could really say what we were doing there.

For two thirds of my life (my entire adult life), we've been fighting in Afghanistan, most of which was fought after bin Laden was killed. Every six months, generals and politicians would proclaim we'd turned a corner, that we were winning, and soon we could bring everyone home.

And for two thirds of my life, it was all bull shit.

But today, there's a glimmer of hope: the Taliban have signed a preliminary peace deal.

I'm hopeful, though not optimistic, that now we can finally start the process of leaving Afghanistan and start the healing process for so many who need it.

I'm hopeful that we'll stop seeing stories about service members killed in Afghanistan.

I'm hopeful that I won't lose anymore friends for nothing.

Maybe it’s naiveté.

Maybe this is all for show and nothing of substance or worth will come from it.

But I’m still hopeful.

Keep Your Feet Moving

Sitting

It’s official everyone: the better, cooler weather is finally here.

As we speak, I’m sitting in front of a wood burning stove, listening to the New Mexico wind howl outside, while enjoying a hot cop of coffee.

It has been a busy couple of weeks and it doesn’t look like I’ll be any less busy in the next two or three.

The relaunch of my site has gone a lot better than I thought (thank you to those that purchased prints) and I’m finding myself more and more excited to take photos. Even if they aren’t any good or they don’t turn out the way I want, the process is what excites me the most. Figuring out a different angle, or trying a different lens, all of it, gives me a sense of creative accomplishment.

Last week I spent a few days on a story, following a Gulf War veteran as he ran his business, practiced yoga, and tried to figure out life after the military.

Being the type that likes to immerse myself in the story, I went with him to Bikram yoga.

For those unfamiliar, several years ago a few yoga instructors and practitioners became bored with the humdrum, typical yoga practice at a comfortable temperature. They decided what was missing was a sauna so they moved their practice into studios at temperatures above 100 degrees.

Now you could spend an hour stretching and meditating while sweating like you were in the middle of Death Valley in July.

That still wasn’t enough for some people.

One yogi, thinking about how to torture himself and his students, decided, “we should turn up the heat and do this for 90 minutes.”

And thus Bikram yoga was born.

Bikram, of course, is Hindi for “sadistic asshole” and gives practitioners a sense of survival once their session is over.

A few days later I drove to the Crossed Arrows Ranch in Santa Fe, NM where I’m participating in a horse therapy program for veterans (again for a story) and have thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.

I’ve seen a lot of sunsets in a lot of different places— India, New Zealand, Thailand, Montana, etc.— but the New Mexico sunset is definitely in my top three. The way the colors of the tired sun bounce off the crags are so vivid it’s almost like you’re on a different planet.

I was watching one of these sunsets a couple days ago when I remembered a thought I had about a year ago that wouldn’t go away.

We never just sit anymore.

The fall has typically been the time of year when musicians and bands release new albums or new singles. It’s almost hard to keep up with and listen to all the new music coming out.

But when was the last time you just sat and listened to a new album? Not as background music as you drive to work or do the dishes or workout at the gym. Just turned up the volume, sat in a chair, and soaked in the notes and the lyrics.

I’m willing to bet most of my generation hasn’t done that since we were kids, sitting in the back seat on a long road trip with a borrowed Discman. That used to be one of the only form of entertainment we had any control over. Older siblings or parents could take over the TV remote, the computer made those weird sounds while the internet took twenty minutes to boot up.

In the back seat though, the bulky headphones attached to the CD player so only you could hear, you controlled everything. You let the music surround you and let the lyrics consume you.

But now, there’s always a purpose to our music. We force it to have a function rather than just enjoying it for its own merits.

Maybe we’re all just getting older and busier or maybe technology has created an expectation that we don’t waste time just sitting (unless we’re watching Netflix). Maybe we don’t sit and watch the sunset anymore because we can just go on Instagram and see sunsets from around the world.

It seems that’s what a lot of us are craving with the popularity of meditation and mindfulness exercises: just a few minutes to sit and be with no distractions. Although, even that has been streamlined and made more efficient with “walking meditation” and mindfulness you can practice while driving.

Perhaps, it’s time we all find an album, turn up the volume, and just sit and listen.

Keep your feet moving

Tired

I hate going to memorials.

The first one I attended to honor a soldier was in the fall of 2007. The academic year was maybe two weeks old, the seniors had just gotten back from celebrating Ring weekend, and we had all formed up for recall formation.

After we were dismissed, our TAC officer gathered us all together and told us our company-mate's brother had been killed in Afghanistan.

Still new to even the idea of the military, most of the freshman-- myself included-- didn't fully understand, didn't fully grasp the concept of how that would affect those around us. I later learned the seniors were a very close-knit group and had spent a significant amount of time with the brothers.

Heads dropped.

Tears fell.
Pride swelled.

Later in the week, the memorial service was held at the cadet chapel. The entire company climbed the granite stair cases to the top of the hill, tried not to sweat too much, tried not to breathe to heavy.

We all shuffled in to the high-arched church, the granite floors and walls echoing the slightest whisper, the wooden pews creaking as we sat down, the pipes from the organ reflecting the sunlight streaming through the stained glass windows.

Silence.

On cue, the organ player started a hymn I couldn't recognize, prompting the priest to walk toward the apse. The family walked behind a flag-covered coffin, heads held high as tears streamed down their cheeks.

I don't remember the hymns we sang, the prayers that were recited, or the things that were said. I do remember the look on my company-mate's face as he walked with his arm around his now widowed sister-in-law.

I remember the look in her eyes, an odd mix of pain, sadness, doubt, and pride. In that look I was struck with a sense of sadness and foreboding. To that point, death in combat had only been a vague notion, something about which I was aware but something I had never experienced the effects first-hand.

I never went back to the chapel.

A few years later and a couple months from getting out of the Army, my supervisor sent me an email saying she needed to see me and my NCOs. She told us there'd been a death in the Battalion and we needed to inform the companies there would be a memorial service in the next couple of days. By this point I'd deployed, been to several more memorial services, seen countless faces of soldiers, marines, sailors, and airmen on TV, lost classmates.

Lost friends.

My first thought was, well, that's going to push back the training meeting and I won't be going home as early as I'd hoped that day. I started thinking of all the things I needed to do in order make the meeting happen and ensure that it would as efficient as possible.

I did what was needed to do my job, I sat through the service with half-attention at best, and exited as quickly and inconspicuously as my manners would allow. After the meeting, I drove home, drank beer, and watched Netflix until I fell asleep.

I felt nothing.

This past Memorial Day, I heard some rumors that the National Park Service was considering a memorial on the Mall for the Global War on Terror.

A memorial for the Global War on Terror? We're still fighting the Global War on Terror. It's been over 7,000 days since we first invaded Afghanistan; we've lost 6,954 service members. I realize that's a relatively small number when compared to the losses in Vietnam, Korea, the World Wars, etc. but we're still losing service members.

As odd as it sounds, talk of this memorial led me to think of John Kerry. The 2004 Presidential Election brought questions of his military record, his actions after he returned home from Vietnam, and his loyalty to the country.

As an avid Fox News viewer growing up, I thought Kerry a traitor or, at best, soft on national defense and security. I didn't trust him as a candidate, I was wary of him as Secretary of State, and, until a few months ago, I couldn't understand why he would testify before Congress to end the Vietnam War at a time when it would mean service members died in vain.

Now, I would've been sitting next to him.

We're still in Afghanistan, still losing service members, and lending credibility to the idea that history doesn't repeat itself but it does rhyme.

The question is: why?

Why are we still in Afghanistan?

Why is increasing air attacks the best way to win?

Why can't anyone at the Pentagon define victory?

Why are we still losing men and women in uniform?

These questions were the essence of Kerry's mission to end the Vietnam War.

I'm tired of going to memorials.

I'm tired of seeing them on TV.

I'm tired.

Keep your feet moving

The Eleventh

I hate Veteran's Day.

Next to Pumpkin Spice Latte day at Starbucks, it's my least favorite day of the year -- especially in the age of social media.

As usual, I feel the need to remind everyone that I don't speak for all veterans nor do I hate veterans or America, so save the hate mail for another day.

The original holiday, Armistice Day, was meant to commemorate the ending of the First World War in1918. The idea was to remind people of the destruction and devastation that can result when cooler heads don't prevail, when we lose touch with our humanity.

World War I was based upon petulant desires for power and glory, to assert dominance upon the most influential and globally powerful continent at the time. Europe lost nearly an entire generation of young men over monarchical chess and the death of Franz Ferdinand.

The pride and hubris of the few ruling elite killed millions.

November 11 was meant to celebrate peace and warn against diplomatic failures.

In 1954, Congress changed the name of Armistice Day to Veterans Day to honor the men and women who served during the bloodiest wars of the 20th Century.

In the subsequent decades, it was simply a day to be at home with loved ones and remember those who served, which happened to be a relatively large portion of the population.

After 9/11, Veteran's Day took a new form, became something more than just a day to remember those who serve or have served. Now it has become more than just a day, more than just a tribute to those who've worn the uniform for their country. It's become a pseudo religious observance with those who disagree with veterans becoming heretics. Veterans have become something more than just citizens who chose to serve, they've become infallible messiahs. Veterans Service Organizations have become Pharisees condemning those who give anything less than their full-throated support.

I hate it.

Maybe I just hate attention or maybe I just dislike the pomp and ceremony. Maybe I've just become too cynical from serving with arrogant, entitled members of society. Maybe I'm tired from being told I should feel disrespected by the actions of others. Maybe I'm just tired of being thanked for my service when I'm trying to go about my business and be left the fuck alone.

I know I'm tired of veterans taking advantage of this new-found social status; a social status that has largely become based upon pity. It's based upon people feeling guilty or sad for vets who can't find a job or don't get paid enough to support their family.  It's based upon a deceptive statistic of 22 veterans committing suicide every day.

I'm tired of the idea that veterans are something more than sovereign citizens.

In his book, Tribe, Sebastian Junger talks about the feeling of separation from civilian society or the lack of community and camaraderie. There's a lack of people who understand what vets have been through, the things they've experienced. There's a certain disconnect, veterans don't feel like a normal member of society.

Elevating them to a status above civilians, isn't helping.

The suicide rate among veterans is largely attributed to this idea that veterans feel isolated, that they feel disparate from the rest of society. During the last few years of World War II and the years following its end, the suicide rate among veterans and active military was nearly half what it is today. Does that mean WWII vets were twice as appreciated or felt twice as connected to civilians?

I understand why veterans have been elevated; in the pendulum of societal norms, it's more or less an overcorrection for the Vietnam War. Service members have gone from "baby killers" to "heroes."

I get it, but heroes is a little strong.

There are some who are true heroes, those who saved the lives of countless team members and sacrificed themselves so their brothers and sisters in arms could continue the mission. But not all veterans are heroes just like heroes are not all veterans.

Veterans are actually one of the most diverse groups of people, nearly every demographic being represented in proportional numbers to the American population at large. With that diversity comes some bad eggs as was evidenced by the shooting in Texas last week.

In short, veterans are just people.

Their elevation doesn't help anyone, least of all vets.

If you want to thank a vet for their service, truly thank them, contribute to the political process, engage leaders to make meaningful changes for the whole. There's very little veterans truly need to be happy. We don't nee more programs or more money. Fix what's broken in the VA, fix the political discourse, fix child healthcare. Care for people and make this a country worth sacrificing for.

Don't feel sorry for vets, don't elevate vets into an elite class.

Treat them like the citizens they are.

Treat them like people.

Keep your feet moving