Being complimented makes me uncomfortable.

I’m not sure when it started or why but for as long as I can remember, whenever someone compliments me, I become shy and dismissive.

I used to think it was my own form of modesty— my feeble attempt to at least appear humble.

But there’s always been more to it than that.

Past relationships, societal pressure, high school bullies, they played a role in self-doubt, self-esteem issues, and the typical body image issues.

It’s nothing new— everyone experiences their fair share of negative feedback or derisive comments. For the most part, a lot of us are able to process the negativity and filter it out of our minds.

The problem comes when the negativity comes from someone we love and/or respect. Parents, siblings, friends, romantic partners, the list goes on. We value the negative comments we’ve heard from our past without even considering the positive ones.

I think, in part, it has to do with the way our brains our wired for us to survive rather than to make us happy. We focus on the negative, and the painful reaction that ensues, because, in part, it’s a survival response. In some ways, we can’t help but focus on the negative.

To add insult to injury, we internalize those comments, make them a part of our self-identity. We somehow cement it in our brains that the negative comments we’ve heard in the past are 100-percent true. At some point, we can’t help ourselves. We begin not believing the people we love and care about and trust. Those opinions from people we do value fall on ears that can only hear the ingrained negativity of the past.

I want to believe you. But I don’t

Having done a couple boudoir shoots in the last few months (photos below), it’s interesting to see the discrepancy between what I think a good shot is and the clients’ immediate reactions to the same shots. It comes with a lot of “I just hate how my [x body part] looks” or “it’s a good composition but my [whatever blemish] is all I can see” which, as the person who captured, edited, and processed the shot, can get very frustrating. I try to remember their comments are based upon their own past traumas but sometimes that frustrates me even more; not with the client, but with the pressure to look like the ideal person.

It’s made me examine my own issues and my own thought processes— to the point I’ve done nude self-portraits just so I can battle those intrusive, negative thoughts (those photos also below). Somehow, someway, the negative comments I’ve received over the course of my life have stuck to the point where I don’t believe anyone when they compliment me or my work. For whatever reason, I think they’re lying or “just trying to make me feel better.”

Instead of saying “thank you” and being genuinely appreciative of the compliment, I wave it off as luck or not true or focus on a “flaw.”

I know it’s frustrating for those who do give compliments— to the point they stop complimenting which then leads to more self-doubt on my end. It’s not that I’m not appreciative or I don’t trust the person—for the most part I can objectively understand that they’re being genuine— but my brain won’t let me process what they say and embrace the fact that it could be true.

Not even that it is true, but that it could be true.

As with everything, I’m still growing and learning as a person. Accepting positive feedback will always be something I struggle with but, slowly, I’m learning to trust that the person on the other end of the compliment is really being authentic in their support.

It’s a process and I truly am grateful for everyone who has supported and continues to support me and my work.

Until next time:

Keep your feet moving